BALONEY & KIDS
Note: I hate Barney but I like this old spoof on Animaniacs.
We see the Pacs in a spoof of the old PBS logo
“Baloney and Kids was brought to you by this station and other stations that lack clever programming!”
CHILDREN (singing off key)
“Baloney is our friendly friend that we made up ourselves, he likes to play & sing all day that we made up ourselves.FADE TO NEXT SCENE
(We open up on a preschool setting. It’s ‘cute’ enough to make anyone sick. A stuffed orange, long-snouted dinosaur plush toy sits on a stool. Two small children open the door; a boy and a girl.)
“Boy! There’s nothing better to do than to stay after school and stay at school and play!”
“I love school so much, I wish I could marry it!”
Boy looks at camera with a “what the heck” look on his face.
“Hey! We can pretend!”
(The orange stuffed toy dinosaur sitting on the stool is circled in magic that allows him to “come alive”. Before the two kids stands BALONEY THE DINOSAUR. With his arms outstretched, and a huge open-mouthed grin on his snout, he’s a nightmare come true.)
“Did someone say ‘pretend’? Huh huh huh huh ha!”
BOY AND GIRL (happily)
They both run up and hug Baloney.
“We brought some new friends to play!”
Oh goodie goodie!
“Come on in! It’s Pac-Man,Cylindria, & Spiral”
(The Pacs enter)
“Huh huh huh ha! I’m so glad you’re here! I will eat you!
The Pacs bug their eyes and try to run. They’re scooped up by Baloney and are enveloped in a nom by him.
“Huh huh huh ha!”
(Baloney starts dancing around stupidly while the boy and girl clap for him. The Pacs just stare gasping for breath. As soon as they recover, they all look at each other with “what the fudge” looks on their faces. Baloney comes out of no where and squishes them all together next to his scary face.)
“All set for some gosh n’ gollyicious fun and game-a-looles? HA HA HA HA!”
The Pacs open their mouths in shock.
Ehhhhhhhhh…. I don’t think so. Gotta run! We’ll just catch a cab. Thanks.”
Baloney puts on a driver’s cap and walks in place; pretending to drive a cab.
"Lets play PRETEND CAB! hAHAHAHAHAHA!
“Gee I’d like to, Baloney. But I’ve gotta do my homework before I help my mom make dinner.”
“And I’ve gotta iron my bed.”
They both run away (perhaps relieved?) while the Pacs stare in awe at how easily these two kids were able to escape Baloney.
“Wa-ha-hait! TAKE US!” (crying)
Bye bye kids!
The Pacs stare out the door with sad looks on their faces as it slams loudly.
“Looks like it’s just us! HA HA HA HA!”
“Imagine our delight.”
Baloney’s face lights up and he puts his index finger up in delight.
“Imagine?! Why I’d love to imagine!I'll Lets bring in the prince & princesses of props.
PAC-MAN & SPIRAL
“Helloooooooooooo princesses of props nurses!”
The princes and princesses walk away. One looks at the boys in, perhaps, admiration.
Now are ya ready to sing the imagain song?
Not realy. Is that cute girl coming back?
“Cute girl? Goshums, Pac-Man! I don’t know what you’re talking about!”
“There’s a shocker.”
He flashes a dreamy smile to the audience. Baloney then starts his ‘Imagine’ song.
“‘I’ is for ‘imagine’! ‘M’ is for ‘me’! ‘A’ is for the letter ‘a’! ‘G’ is for ‘gee’! ‘I’ is for — ‘imagine’! ’N’ is for ‘nice’! ‘E’ is for ‘egad’! We said ‘imagine’ twice! Huh huh ha ha!”
“Thanks! LET’S HUG!”
“Na-a-a-a! Why don’t you just imagine that too, huh?”
Baloney doesn’t take any offense to this.
“Okay! Huh huh huh huh ha! I love me! Yum yum doodle dum! Huh huh huh huh ha!!”
“Yeah. Well, it’s been fun friend but we have to get back to ‘planet reality’ now.”
Baloney claps his hands.
“Great idea! Let’s play ‘Astronauts in Outer Space’!”
He turns his head to the side and gives himself bunny-ears with his hands. He then starts bouncing around.
“Hello mission control! Huh huh huh huh ha!”
PAC-MAN (sarcastically and happy-ish)
“Hello Baloney! Ha ha ha ha…. Out sensors show that you are out of oxygen!”
“You’ll be remembered as a hero!”
Baloney grabs his own neck actually cutting off his breath while gagging.
“Maybe we should stop pretending! GAAACK!”
“Uh, that could be tough! We have VERY STONG imaginations!”
Baloney grabs Pac-Man by the lanky shoulders.
“You’re silly! Huh huh huh huh ha!” (eats Pac-Man then barfs him out)
He shoves Baloney away forcefully.
“I know! Let’s make masks and guess who we are!”
He skips over to the friends and starts to sing one of his stupid songs.
“I hold up a mask! Lingy lingy loo! You guess who I am! Lingy lingy loo! Huh huh huh huh ha!”
“Are we being punished?”
PAC-MAN & CYLINDRIA
They look over at one of the tables and they see Baloney working on his mask. Baloney holds up his finished work to his face. On the mask there’s a crazy grin with a tongue sticking out. How british can that get? But yet its funny!
“Guess who? Huh huh huh huh ha!”
“Is it…. Abraham Lincoln?”
“Huh huh huh huh ha! No!”
He shows his head to the audience then puts it back.
“Hmmmm… Could it be Nancy Caragin?”
“Huh huh huh huh ha! No!”
He shows his face again. He puts it back when Pac-Man comes right up to him.
“Is it a…. big fat polyester dinosaur who’s the color of an iHop with a paper plate over his face?!?!”
Baloney jumps up taking his mask off.
“NO! IT’S ME! BALONEY!”
“Now why don’t you make masks and I guess who you are? Huh huh huh huh ha!”
“Um, because we’d rather have lunch with the princesses of props?”
Spiral nods in agreement.
A few seconds later, the friends are working on their masks while Baloney sneaks a peek once in a while. They finish and hold up their surprisingly detailed masks.
“Gee. I don’t know WHO you are!”
“I’m Gladamire Horowicks!”
“I’m Gertrude Stein!”
“And I’m Gustav Anvil! Inventor of the anvil!”
“Huh huh huh huh ha! Oh, those were good masks!”
“Hey! Spiral gave me another idea! Let’s sing the ‘Anvil Song’!”
“Gee, goshums Pac-Man! I don’t know that one!”
“Don’t worry! You’ll catch on real quick!”
“Pac-Man, is our use of falling anvils going to be a bit excessive?”
The two walk back over to Spiral.
“‘The Anvil Song’!”
Baloney holds his hands up to his face happily. The Pacs starts dancing and singing.
“An anvil’s black and shiny!”
“It’s really heavy too!”
“So watch out my chubby friend!”
ALL BUT BALONEY
“OR ONE WILL FALL ON YOU!”
“On me?! Huh huh huh ha- WAUGH!”
Baloney gets hit by a huge black ACME anvil! A lot like Wile E. Coyote.
“That wasn’t pretty!”
“But it HAD to be done!”
They all nod in agreement at each other not noticing Baloney coming back to life. He throws the anvil off his head starling the Pacs. They run away from him.
“Huh huh huh huh ha! Great song! Huh huh huh huh ha! Neat-o complete-o yippee!”
The friends are dressed up as camouflaged soldiers and are holding pairs of binoculars. They’re surrounded by barbed wire and a search light is circling.
“CALL IN THE NATIONAL GUARDS!!!”
“Or Tanya Harding’s bodyguard!”
“Let’s sing it again! I love-y dove-y loved it!”
The Pacs stare at him confused. Their expression change to happiness.
ALL BUT BALONEY
They all start dancing
“It’s made of solid iron!”
“It weighs a ton or two!”
“We know you want to meet it!”
“IT WANTS TO MEET YOU TOO!”
They zip away while Baloney gets crushed once again by an anvil.
“Heh heh heh— WAUGH!”
He comes up from his impression in the floor and pops the anvil off his head. Baloney looks happy (and somewhat scary) even though he’s gone through a lot of pain.
“YAY! Huh huh huh! Let’s do it again!!!”
“Now it’s gettin’ scary.”
Baloney chases them
A cuckoo clock barfs a bird crossed over with Baloney & the Road Runner out
CUCKOO CLOCK BIRD
“Yum yum doodle dum cuckoo!”
“Oh darn! My friendly friend tells me that it’s time for us to go!”
ALL (sarcastic; perhaps sad because they have to stop torturing Baloney?)
“I know, I know. But we still get to sing the ‘Goodbye Song’! Huh huh huh huh ha!”
They all join hands and start to sing in tune to This Old Man
“We love you!”
“I love me!”
“He’s a dumb as dumb can be!”
“Yup! Uh huh! Huh huh huh huh ha!”
“But we found a way that we can get along!”
“I stand still —“
“—for the ‘Anvil Song’!”
“Huh huh huh huh ha—WAUGH!!!!”
Baloney get’s whacked on the head by an ACME anvil!!! For the third time! His upper body springs up and down like a broken accordion. Even though he’s gone through a lot of pain, he laughs happily.
“Huh huh huh huh ha!”
“Who’s dropping those anvils anyway?”
The camera pans up to see what the siblings are looking at. The princesses and prince of props are up there with an “anvil storage”.
“TAKE US WITH YOU!!!”
“Don’t leave us, PLEASE!”
“FREE US FROM THE LUMPY THING!!!”
“TAKE US WITH YOU!!!!!!!!!”
“Neat-o complete-o yippee!!!”
The Pacs kiss the props people with passion. Baloney drunkly comes back onscreen; laughing stupidly with stars circling his orange beat-up head.
“Huh huh huh huh ha!”